I can see clearly now...

While doing laundry the other day I heard two women discussing a friend who had went full time.  I heard all the same things I myself had uttered not that long ago.


They talked about how they could never leave their friends, their community, their houses and possessions.  I smiled to myself and thought back to my own arguments with Left Brain as to why I could never, ever live on the road full time.


When did things change?  What made me suddenly feel held captive by the house, gardens and all those "things" I've collected?  I can't wait to start listing stuff for sale and getting it out of there!


I remember some of my friends who I thought had such a spartan lifestyle, not a lot of decorations or things to look at, and feeling pity for them.  Now I get it.  I love having a counter top that is clear and clean.  Okay, perhaps just a couple of things or maybe some fresh cut flowers to enjoy, but not crammed with stuff.  I find with less "things" around me I breathe easier, I feel more relaxed.  When did this happen?


I used to love having things every where!  On the walls, hanging from ceiling, one the table tops...your eye was constantly searching and trying to take it in. People visiting my house would comment that there was so much to see.  Now I embrace doing nothing and can sit and look at what's going on around me without feeling I need to jump up and DO something.  Sometimes just being is doing enough. 


Sure, I have my favorite little things.  I'm not sure what makes them special - many of them aren't from anybody or any place special.  They aren't expensive or precious.  But they make me smile.  These I will take with me...at least at first.  Perhaps I will display one at one place and then change it out for something else later.  I can still enjoy each and every one of them - just not all at the same time.


I think part of this change is that in the past I was trying to block out so many things...my childhood that I wished was different, my feelings of inadequacy, the pain of earlier traumatic events.  Now I'm able to sit with these as if sitting down with an old friend and being able to understand they why of it.  Now I'm ready to accept it, acknowledge that it was what it was and let it go.  Not try to forget it, or stuff it down deep...or clutter it with "things" to distract myself.  But breathing deeply and just accepting it...being one with it...and knowing it's okay.  It was always okay, I just wasn't ready to see it.


Some of the clutter of my past was like heaping one band aid on top of another to cover the wound, but never allowing the injury to breath and heal over on its own.  As if I could smother it with my possessions and overwhelm it with minutia.  Now I'm able to stand alone with it, it can't hurt me any more.  The battle is over and the armor has been removed and cast away.


It's time to re-invent myself once again for these final chapters of my life.  I get to decide who I want to be when I grow up.  I can choose which characteristics are key to my being and let the false bravado and sham of toughness melt away.  I can just be....me.


I would like to take this time to thank those who have always believed in me, even when I couldn't, and have stood by me as I've struggled with life.  I'm not going to name names here, you know who you are.  I am not leaving you...I could never truly leave you, you will always be a part of me where ever I might be.


I'll just be someplace warmer.


Long Live the Queen of Fair Weather Friends