Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Yes, it's true...I have x-rays to prove it

Last night was one of the stranger nights in my life...and that's saying a lot.  Let me back up a minute....ooooh...back up...not good.

I woke feeling lethargic and unmotivated to do anything.  After moping about the house all day I took a nap and wondered how to get out of going to camera activity I love, but just could not get inspired by at that time.
But to bail on this meant having to explain this to the Divine Miss M who was coming  with her convertible to escort me to the meeting, so I finally got dressed and begrudgingly went on my way.  I can be such an old poop sometimes...but that's what I'm getting at.

I told her of my doldrums and the confusion I had earlier when I replaced a fry pan on the stove to soak, but had not turned off the stove.  I just turned 60, is senility starting up already?  Also I have been having the most awful flatulence issues lately...both embarrassing and uncomfortable.  Are these my golden years?
We talked about this issue, because I've learned this is what old people do....bowel habits and weather are two of the top ten discussions.  I figured it was due to the influx of vegetables into my diet and yet this is not anything new to my Weight Watcher routine. Such a mystery.

Well, part of our tradition is to eat at Taco John's prior to the meetings.  Not a good choice for someone with gastric distress to begin with...but I never claimed to be a brainiac, so I had my usual beefy burrito.  I needed to use the bathroom both before and after this meal.

Then we went on our journey with a brief side trip to deliver some drugs....I'll just let it go at that because it's so much more interesting to say it that way and just stop.  When we arrived at the meeting I used the bathroom again and again and again.  Part of our experience that night was to take our cameras out into the marsh to photograph wildlife.  I was not about to get that far from the toilet so stayed behind with my Kindle to read, mostly while on my porcelain perch.

After walking in circles trying to ease the pain and after several fruitless attempts in the bathroom, the group returned to the building for the board meeting.  By this time I was sure I was having some real problems.  I had read that women experience heart attacks differently than mother had a massive heart attack at 58 and my cousin is in the coronary care unit as we speak.  Needless to say I was getting concerned.

I tried to convince her to just take me home and had planned to jump into the car and book it back to urgent care since the normal clinics were closed by this time of night.  But she knows me and saw through this and just took me to the hospital.  After expelling more gas and filling her car with the delightful "Eau de Taco John" aroma, I went through the drill with registering and waiting to be seen by triage and managed to sneak into the bathroom three more times.  By now it hurt just to stand up and I was unable to take a deep breath without pain.  Well, at least I'm where I should be in case the "big one" hits that was relaxing.

After the initial exam I asked if I could talk to my friend as it appeared I may be there for a while and I hated to have her waiting on me.  She refused to go home.  They planned to x-ray my stomach and do blood tests to check the liver and pancreas to see if I might be having trouble with my gall bladder.  If these indicated problems they would do an ultrasound. During the various exams I tried hard not to pass gas but whenever the room was empty I would "let em fly".  These were NOT silent but deadly - they were thunderstorm loud and very aromatic.  WHY oh why did I have to have a burrito for supper?  The doctor was very polite as she palpated my abdomen and said nothing of the stink in the room. Yow, it really hurt on my right side under the ribs when she pressed there.

Then they took me into an examination room and had me slip into one of the the stylish gowns they provide.  My friend stayed with me while they started the IV and took an EKG.  She has been through more medical procedures than I can even imagine and is facing another surgery on Thursday, but as she said...if it's not her they are sticking the needles in she was fine with it.  Such compassion.

The attending nurse was perky and cute and wonderfully distracting during the procedures which took my mind of why we were here. She reminded me of the Stephanie Plum character by Janet Evanovich, which I found oddly comforting. By this time I've changed my self diagnosis of a heart attack to having gall bladder surgery, which Miss M says is one of the better ones to have.  Then they transported me into the x-ray room for the stomach x-rays.  She watched me leave with a very nice looking young man and come back minutes later with my pants removed.  She just smiled and I said "Left Brain has been away for a long time you know" which made her giggle.  It's getting to be late in the evening now, so we were both tired and getting a little slap happy, which is common for us.

The nice doctor came back in with the results.  EKG normal - thank goodness.  Blood tests normal, no sign of problems with the gall bladder - hurray.  All tests show everything is what's wrong.  Then she says "but let's take a look at the x-rays of your stomach".  Oh I'm thinking colon cancer or a tumor.  OMG!  Maybe I'm wait...that's not possible.

She proceeded to point out my various organs and areas of the colon and the cloudy areas that indicated lots of fecal matter.  What?
Miss M is chuckling to herself to the point of snorting.  I KNOW what she's thinking.  So, I looked at the doctor very seriously and asked her "Are you saying I"m full of ____?"  Then her professional demeanor broke and she starting laughing and nodding her head yes.  Now all three of us are laughing and howling and causing some looks from the other staff.  I'm laughing from sheer relief.

She suggested some over the counter meds that would give relief (after intense cramping and pain that it will cause) and provided information on things to eat to help (all of which I am already doing).

I convinced Miss M to just take me home instead of stopping for anything.  I was feeling better now that I ruined her car interior with my stink and just wanted to go home to bed. the last think I wanted was to cause more stomach pain and be up all night pooping.  My plan is to purchase a watermelon the next day and cleanse myself my way.  Also to add a daily walk to my routine as sewing and preparing for the show this weekend apparently does not provide enough physical stimulation.

It's not that the doctor's advice wasn't valued...apparently I just don't give a ____...and there are x-rays to prove it!

Long Live the Queen of (insert your own moniker here)


  1. For once, an event was even funnier than you are portraying it. When the doctor kept saying this was normal and that was normal, I presumed she had the wrong results - you, normal??? But then she got to the really fun part.....

    Eye Witness

  2. It will take a while for the giggling to stop!! My friend, you have such a delightful honesty! Imagine, writing a blog post about poop! Only you could do this and leave one laughing and rolling on the floor. I hope by now you are feeling much better and several pounds lighter. Be well my friend. Hugs, Edna B.