The first wave of sadness

Yesterday Left Brain and I were discussing the pros and cons of the 39 foot motorhome we visited lately.  It seemed too big to me, which would have been a problem if it had oodles of storage, which it didn't.  There were no pass through areas underneath at all.

The closet in the bedroom was difficult to get to and was large but only a hanging closet.  This would require either dealing with plastic crates for drawers or building drawers.  The drawers all seemed dinky and shallow to me and few in number.

Although the washer/dryer combo sounds good - I'd rather have the space it takes up for storage of other things.  There were three TV's, all the older kind and only the bedroom one swiveled out for decent viewing.  The other was over the cab area and with two couchs nobody would have a good view without turning their heads.  The third was in the cargo area underneath and again, I'd rather have the storage. 

None of the storage appeared big enough to hold the folding chairs much less anything else we'd want to haul along.  Long story short - it looked very luxurious as it was wide with the two slide outs, but unless we want to take up ballroom dancing - this ain't where I want the extra room.

So, the decision was made to ditch the show business, halt the creative process - get rid of everything except the machine and as few favorite supplies as I can bear and just focus on the travel aspect of the job.  This was very painful at first, but sometimes to open one door you must close another.

I was okay with it until I took a load of stuff to the storage unit this morning.  When I saw my show supplies I felt an overwhelming sadness and was very close to tears.  It was like visiting someone you know is going to die very soon.  Fortunately, I have someone who will likely take them off my hands sometime this year so I don't have to see them much any more.

So today I made the rest of the "burial arrangements" for my dollmaker self.  I cancelled the commission order for July as I just don't feel the energy to carry it out and thankfully she was very understanding and gracious about this decision.  Then I sent an email to cancel my favorite show in September, but told them I'd like to donate some items for their fundraiser.

I've boxed up the cotton novelty prints and other quilt fabrics for a friend to use them in their Linus projects and will deliver them tomorrow.  Many things will go to Goodwill and many will just be tossed into the dumpster.

It's hard to give up what feels like your personna.  People identify me as "the dollmaker".  My signature on emails proclaims I am a mixed-media artist.  I need to change that as I've dropped my website and tomorrow I will visit my bank to cancel the business account and credit card service.  I can understand the sadness on my fathers face when he retired from years of owning a gas station as he watched all his precious tools and auto supplies being sold off at auction for nothing near the value they had to him.

I'd thought of contacting a man who was at my moving sale to offer him my goods for his resale shop just to turn some kind of profit, but it turns my stomach.  I'd rather sell off or give things away at the May show and be done with them or dispose of them in the trash instead of abandoning them like unwanted children.

This probably sounds melodramatic, but it felt like a tiny spark of my soul died today.  I just have to keep reminding myself that these are just things and I can play with them again someday.  My eye is on the prize and that is investing time with my husband and marriage as we travel and make memories together.

Long Live the Queen of Something, I'm not sure what right now