Full range of emotions

One of my Einstein quotes using my dragonfly photo

Like everyone, I have an extensive bucket list.  I thought with our new lifestyle that I'd be able to just check things off one after the other, but that doesn't seem to be the case. 

 One of the top items for a year or so has been to try kayaking. 

 So I was thrilled when the meet up group here in the cities set up a beginners kayak outing and was the first to sign up!

This had been on my mind ever since and I couldn't wait.  I had everything set out for the morning, along with the directions on how to get there.  Then I settled in for a good night's sleep to be rested and ready for my day of adventure.  The rumbling of thunder didn't even bother me.  I figured there was plenty of time for the storm to pass before morning.
However, in the morning it was still raining.  What do I do?  The meet up location is about an hour to the east...it might be better weather there.  It was just so dark and gloomy I couldn't bear it.  The idea of driving for an hour to arrive and find it cancelled was unbearable.  I tried checking the Internet but the connection was so slow and crappy it was barely functional.  I decided to just skip it and give up the money I'd paid for the trip, figuring it would be cancelled.



one of my favorite photos of a little boy ready to cry

This seemed rational to my mind but apparently my heart didn't agree and soon I was in full fledged tears.  I found this shocking as I am not a "cryer" by any means and with the medication I'm on I wasn't sure I was capable of tears.

It appears I was more than capable....I was in full mode, like a five year old whose ice cream just fell off the cone onto the sidewalk. 


Especially about 10:00 when the weather cleared and it was a lovely cool morning.  They would be gathering at 10:30.  There was no possible way to get there.  I'd made the wrong choice.

Poor Left Brain was bewildered.  I've faced far worse tragedies than this and now he's watching this sixty year old strong woman with a quivering lip whimpering.  So what was going on here?
It took a while to process it and I think I finally understand.  In my mind I was ready to have this brand new life and become this strong, fit outdoorsy woman and it just wasn't happening.  But I forget that it takes time to recover from the transition of everything we've done and I'm still adapting to the new life and finding my way.  There's nothing magic.  I can't just snap my fingers and become this person I envision, it's going to take some real work. 

another one that I applied filters and textures to

Apparently just changing location and lifestyle isn't enough.  It's going to be a daily chore of changing habits and remolding myself into this new lifestyle.  Damn.  It's just like when I joined the health club and found out automatic withdrawal of my money didn't do a thing for me...I had to show up and sweat.

So, I'm using this weekend to reflect and plan and just be gentle with myself.  It's a long process, not a bootcamp. Part of me just wants to leave the area and "get on with it" and get started.  But that's the impatient part of me.  I need to relax and savor the journey and let the transitionary part of letting go happen before I can move onward.  Everything will happen in its own due time.

Left Brain is off to work on putting up the garden shed for the kids and has been trying to inspire me with how much fun it might be, but I decided to stay here and write for a while and sort out my thoughts.  Let's see, the internet is up....where can I find kayaking lessons?

Long Live the Queen