Friday, February 15, 2013

Does this sound familiar to you?


That's what the kid behind the counter at   Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly   Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot,   I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you   the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?

A mere child!

Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with  Elmo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

I opened the door and headed back inside. 

 I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me;

like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude!  Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind! 

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.  Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.

Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.

And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
Long Live the Queen of Confusion


  1. What a great post. I am sure many of us relate, whether we admit it or not! Glad you are safe.

  2. It's devastating isn't it? When you get your first senior discount? I remember when my hubby got his first discount, he was madder than a wet hornet. It saved him 54 cents, and he was not a bit happy about it.

    As for getting in the wrong car, that was funny. I'm still giggling. I've attempted to unlock a wrong car, but never actually made it. It's excusable though once you reach a certain age. I won't rush the age on you though. However, when you do get here, these are the few perks we get -- excusable doings. lol.

    You have a great night. Hugs, Edna B.

  3. Did you think I was going to admit that any of this sounds familier? Am I stupid or something (by the way I carry smashed lemon-mint cough drops in my pocket, not Jolly Rogers). I love Elmo and the black nail polish ... that is surely a sign of the times. My favorite is the "skinny jeans". Skinny ... I think anorexic would be a better word for them. They are so tight that even the girls talk in high pitched voices. How about rainbow colored hair ... anybody for that? Honestly, each generation has to try to outdo the stupidity of the last and I'm saying that this generation did it ... I don't even want to think about what the next generation will do. So there you are ... I am admitting that I am old. It isn't that I don't just love all this crazy stuff when my Granddaughter is doing it, but I have to be a bitchy old lady if I am going to own up to being old. Quiet frankly, I enjoy the fact that I am old. I can get by with just about anything and just say ... So, I'm an old Poop, what did you expect:) I'm not suggesting anyone wish away their youth so they can get away with things ... but it is true and we can and we do ... Hmmmm:) Have a great day Queen of Large type ... and, by the way, you were right, I am a little strange and I love it almost as much as I love being old ... Bet you do too :)

    Andrea @ From The Sol