Thursday, November 1, 2012

The dream

As you are probably aware now, I tend to take in the day's events and ruminate them during the night in my dreams.  Since we were tired when we arrived at The Ranch and I got the warnings of electric fences, bulls and rattlesnakes...this is the dream that followed.

I was tired and restless and as I often do when insomnia strikes I get up and read or look at the stars...anything to try to relax so I can tumble into sleep in another hour or two.  I have never sleepwalked in my life, at least that I know of, but apparently I did this night.  Or at least in this dream I did.

So, it's that freaky time of day when it's not nighttime but not yet day, with just a hint of dawn approaching.  I'm wandering about outside at The Ranch, but did not heed the warning about carrying a flashlight.  Apparently I don't listen any better in my dreams than I do during my waking hours.

I'm not sure what it was I was trying to see or where I was trying to go, but I wandered a little too far off the path and suddenly felt a zinging feeling.  Yeow!  That must have been the electric fence.  It was a hot sensation and a flash of light and I jolted backwards.  Yes, the pun was intentional.

I jerked backwards right into the face of a huge black bull with long horns.  It seems he was having trouble sleeping also and perhaps was also sleepwalking.  I'm not sure, we didn't really take time to discuss it as I startled him as much as he startled me.

My hands flew up in surprise from the fence when I went back and as I spurred him into action (yes, another rodeo pun) he snorted and flipped his head upwards in surprise.  I grabbed on to his horns as he did this and this caused me to be flipped upside down and over his head on to his back.  It was a move worthy of Nadia Comaneci on the uneven bars.

After nailing this perfect move and reveling in my gynmastic pride the bull became fully awake and started to buck.  Now I was Ty Murray of bullriding fame!  The bull pitched and bucked and twisted and turned and try as I might, I wasn't going to be able to complete the eight second ride to win the bull riding event. 

So through the air I flew and unable to control my landing was dumped unceremoniously on my butt in the middle of the road.  The part of the road that retains the heat and attracts....yup, snakes.

Well, the rattlesnake was having no trouble sleeping that night and I'm sure he was having lovely little snake dreams until I came crashing down.  I'm not sure he even meant to attack, he was just startled.  Either way you look at...I was bitten.

By now dawn had broken and people were out taking in their walk before the heat of the day, so I had help in getting up.  I explained what had happened.  Well, just the snake bite part since that seemed to be the most threatening.  A nice lady with an old one eyed poodle helped me into the car and drove me to the hospital.  Her husband, she explained, would go wake up Left Brain and ride with him so he could take me home afterwards.

We arrived in no time to the ER and she assisted me in going in and getting situated and then she sat down to wait for her husband to arrive with mine.  The hospital had a definite rodeo theme to it, as much of this area of the country seems to have.  I was a bit surprised to see it extend into the hospital, but hey...I was safe.

They ushered me into the examination room and I explained what had happened, again just the snakebite part.  Due to the location of my injury they explained that they would position a barrel on the exam table for me to lay over so they could assess the injury.  A barrel?  A bright red barrel?

As if that weren't shocking enough, I was stunned when out of the barrel popped up a rodeo clown...complete with a florescent green afro and bright red nose.  He smiled at me and said he was only moonlighting as a clown but was actually a nurse.  This place is strange.  What I would give for a familiar face during this stressful time.  But I was totally unprepared for who entered next.

In through the door strikes my very own doctor from back home - Dr J.  He nodded and smiled at me and asked what the problem was.  I explained about the rattlesnake bite, again leaving out preliminary events that took place prior to it.  The orderly in the room turned to him and said "A rattlesnake bite?  That could be serious."  To which Dr J just said "Ya think?"  Now that I notice it, the orderly looked a lot like Ty Murray.  But it might have just been the blue jeans and cowboy hat.

He then went to get the barrel on the table when the clown popped up again and squirted him in the face with his plastic flower.  Once they got the clown out of the barrel and on the table they wanted me to drop my drawers and get into position to treat my snake bite.  I asked about the ill fitting cotton gown that was usually provided and was told "Nah, this is the wild west, just drop 'em and crawl up here."  I swear Dr J was smirking at me.  But, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, so I "assumed the position" as they say.

Now, I'd been having some bouts with gas lately and with all the stress of these events and being in a really odd and uncomfortable position I wasn't able to contain this basic function any more.  Out emerged the loudest fart I have ever let loose.  Talk about embarrassing!  But what are you gonna do?  I looked around at my motley crew, thought about how this must look and burst out laughing.  They also started to chuckle.  Well, this relaxation of my stomach muscles just caused another erruption and this time we all started to howl.  I mean, it really was funny when you thought about it.

It was in this state of events that the door opened and a nurse ushered Left Brain into the room.  The entire room went still as he took it in.  There I was, butt end up over a barrel on the exam table with my jeans pulled down to my knees.  Standing by my side is Dr J.  Next to him was Ty Murray, the famous bullrider/orderly.  On the other side was a rodeo clown in complete makeup, bit shoes, green afro, red nose swabbing my butt with antiseptic. 

The look on his face was priceless and it make me giggle and when I giggled the gas snuck out again and me and my posse all started to laugh.  Left Brain never said a word.  He nodded his head, stepped backwards and quietly closed the door.  He's a smart man and he could obviously see I was okay and in good hands.  But I knew when I got home I was gonna have some splaining to do!

Long Live the Queen of SnakeBites 

1 comment:

  1. This one has me stumped. Your imagination is simply awesome! If this were me, the minute I hit the street with that snake, I'd have been wide awake and in the kitchen making a cup of coffee. I can't wait to hear about your next dream. You have a wonderful day, hugs, Edna B.