It seems that when I'm quiet people worry. I know Left Brain takes that as a serious sign of something being wrong and my blogger friends have noticed my absence. Thank you Miss Edna for reaching out to me and spurring me to action.
Things are well here in the desert and life has been full,. but I have been neglectful in blogging about it so I have decided to create a new weekly series called Sunday Summary. Not that 48 degrees feels "summery". It's been cool and we had some rain recently but I don't want to get my northern friends in an uproar as they deal with icy roads and snow.
Now, I apologize for the heavy nature of this blog and the lack of photos. Future posts will be back to their normal fun loving nature.
Left Brain and I have been cohabiting quite nicely as we navigate our new path into this 34 year marriage. We continue to discuss and work through problem areas and issues calmly and have begun to relax a bit more each month.
I have continued to explore my own issues by reading more of Brene Brown's books and my recent favorite is
The Gifts of Imperfection. This book provided many AHA moments as I read about my problem areas. I had previously read
I Thought It Was Just Me which started my journey into healing. I've just started reading
Rising Strong and it continues to offer insight and hope. Check out any of her TED talks - the one on vulnerability is one of my favorites. She's an amazing writer and tackles the dark emotions that get in the way of living a fuller life.
My quest is to live an authentic life and live fully. I've finally learned that you can only change yourself and I'm striving to make myself heard and my needs realized by speaking directly. One of my biggest stumbling blocks has been the inability to see myself as worthy of being loved. I'm sure this came from a childhood of hearing "You'll never amount to anything...you're just like your father", a man who I only met one time as an adult. Being reminded that I was unwanted (illegitimate) and being the cause of my mothers drinking because I ruined her life certainly plummeted my self esteem.
Much to Left Brain's dismay (or possibly his delight?) instead of my usual "oh I don't know honey" he's more likely to hear a "hell no!" My communication leaves much less to chance that I will not be fully understood. I've become much louder. Ok, I can hear those who know me chuckling and wondering how THAT might be possible.
After much assistance from my daughters Stephanie and Christy (new newly adopted-in-spirit daughter) who are both counselors I have sought out the assistance of a therapist in the Mesa area who does EMDR. For those unfamiliar with this term it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a psychotherapy treatment designed to alleviate the stress associated with traumatic memories.
In a nutshell, when trauma happens in your life the image gets stuck in the brain, and if this happened as a child your visceral reaction to memories of this will be that as a child. In your adult head you know it's over, you're safe and can understand that it should no longer bother you. But your cellular memory holds the memory in your body and just won't release it. The treatment process is very simple yet profound. I had this therapy years ago for my fear of the dark and went home that night and walked around the yard in the starlight for the first time in years with no fear. I can't explain it, but it seems nothing short of a miracle.
My life has had significant trauma, but certainly no worse than many others. Starting life as an unwanted and unloved child of an alcoholic, I was sexually abused as a very young child and then raped at age 16. I went on to marry a man who terrorized and beat me and then a second marriage to a man who emotionally beat me. I learned that bruises heal faster than emotional scars. This all took a toll on me and I internalized it by believing myself incapable of being loved by anyone, much less myself.
My intellectual brain knows I am enough and capable and worthy of love, but my heart would never totally buy into the idea. The EMDR received was able to integrate the idea of being worthy into both my head and my heart. It feels good. I hope it stays glued together forever.
Here is a quote from
The Gifts of Imperfection that sums up this concept for me:
"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows".
Now I don't want you to think it's been all self study and seriousness here. I'm playing a lot of pickleball and meeting players outside of the park to partner with for tournaments. I play water volleyball every chance I get since that's a two hour laugh fest in the sunshine and water...good for the soul. We have a lot of entertainment to enjoy and have seen two comedians performing here in the park and just went to The Blues Brothers Tribute at another park and got to watch my husband twerking on stage....there's a sight for you. This is what happens when you buy front row tickets, you get pulled up on stage during the show.
Well, this post has been long enough. I look forward to getting back into a weekly habit of posting as that seems manageable and fulfilling. Thank you for being patient with me as I figure out who I am and how I want to live my life. I'm wishing health, happiness and love for each of you in this new year.
